The 20 Commandments of Serial Killers

Ted Bundy. Richard Ramirez. Gary Ridgeway. Lots of creepy images come to mind about what is believed to be “stereotypical” serial killers. The truth is, there is no such thing as a stereotypical serial killer.  There are many similarities between them, but there isn’t on2995976289_1_5_i0repZwie type. Most of the time, people believe a lot of myths surrounding these weirdos and this in turn, leads to false stereotypes and beliefs.  The reality of the very rare and most baffling of murderers is quite different from what is portrayed in movies and novels. As former, retired SKs, we believe we have valuable advice to offer for those of you considering a career in the serial killing field. Hence we were professional and generous enough to provide  you with the following 20 Commandments of Serial Killers to see if there is a good personality-employment match. It’s important to like your work, otherwise you become one of those colleagues no one appreciates and everyone hates.

  1. Thou shalt not be a completely dysfunctional loser.  It is recommended that you hold down a job, have nice home and possibly a family.  Don’t be too disconcerted if you are a respected public figure, such as John Wayne Gacy (although that one is extremely rare). Where there’s a will there’s a way. You can make it work.
  2. ThDOROTHEA_PUENTE_1ou dost not have to be a white male.  Women are also known to be serial killers: Aileen Wuornos and Dorothea Puente are two notable females.  Black, Asian, and Mexican SKs exist and have left their evil mark, so don’t let your race or gender discourage you. SK is a limitless career.
  3. Thou shall not be motivated solely by sex. Rage, attention-seeking and thrill-seeking are also high up on the list.  Sex seems to go with the territory but it doesn’t have to. If you cannot bring yourself to rape a live human, why not opt for necrophilia?  At least there won’t be any struggle, no empty promises about calling the next day, or any awkward pillow talk.
  4. Thou shall not necessarily travel and operate interstate or interprovince.  This one saves on insurance and the cost of gas. Like most SKs you will probably develop a “comfort zone” where you like to strike. Some SKs have murdered people in their own neighbourhood. Gacy buried his victims in his cellar, not that we recommend you take that route. The smelly cellar was his eventual downfall. If you happen to be a transient, itinerant individual orJasonMossandJohnWayneGacy have a job that involves travel, then it is almost inevitable you will have a larger comfort zone than those who remain local. This too, is known to be uniquely successful.
  5. Thou shall not continue to kill uncontrollably. Don’t be surprised if circumstances change in your life and your SK career ends.  If you are a woman, you may get pregnant.  It’s not easy to kill and dispose of a body when you’re carrying an extra 30 pounds on you that doesn’t belong to the victim. If you are motivated by sex you may find a sexual substitution, or there may be other diversions (such as doing your taxes).
  6. Thou shall not be insane or  an evil genius.  Insanity would lead to an early capture and would prevent premeditation, making it very unlikely that you could commit a series of murders. Very few SKs are geniuses and certainly that includes you (stop sulking, you know it’s true).  Ed Gein, Gary Ridgeway, Dennis Radar, all blue-collar workers, and many others were anything but genius.  Besides, comfort yourself in knowing that if these people were so smart, why did they get caught?
  7. Thou shall have a choice as to whether you want to be caught or not Some SKs do.  Most don’t. If you do, then don’t start. Take a tip as a troubleshooter: as an SK gains experience with killing, they gain confidence with each offense. They develop a feeling that they will never be identified PG-Jack-Wilson-aka-Arnold-Sand never be caught. Killing someone and disposing of their body is not an easy task. As SKs gain confidence they take foolish shortcuts or make colossal mistakes, leading to their identification by law enforcement. Now that’s just silly.
  8. Thou shall not mistake yourself for a spree killer or a mass murderer. No, no, no.  Don’t print Mass Murderer or Spree Killer on your business card. Get your terms right. That is highly misleading. People will try to hire you for the wrong job and you will develop a bad reputation. A mass murderer kills thousands or millions of people all at once (a la Hitler or Hussein). A spree killer kills many people during one impassioned spree and often commits suicide thereafter (Columbine is a creepy example).
  9. Thou shall not leave a calling card, have a signature style of killing, or entertain any other stupid Hollywood notion. Speaking of business card, leaving a signature is stupid.  It may help lead to your early capture.  Besides, very few SKs use one mode of killing.  If it is convenient, s/he will shoot or stab someone.  If there isn’t a weapon around and you stupidly didn’t plan ahead for this kill (see #7), you might use strangulation.  Mix it up a bit and have some fun.  You don’t know what you’re best at yet. As an added bonus this approach will prevent boredom.
  10. Thou shall not keep a souvenir of your kill.  They include taking pictures (very stupid), and keeping body parts or items belonging to your victims. Sometimes souvenirs lead to a killer’s conviction.  Rodney Alcala kept girl’s and popovawomen’s jewellery as souvenirs of his dastardly deeds. These were presented in court as evidence against him.  Idiot.
  11. Thou shall not walk around in public carrying a shovel, a hacksaw, and a body bag. Does that one need an explanation?  If the answer is yes, you are not cut out (pun) to be a serial killer. Re-direct your interests elsewhere. Try stamp collecting.
  12. Thou shall not schedule a murder on your iPad or laptop calendar.  True, these are good reminders but they are also great digital trails for police.
  13. Thou shall not taunt the press or the police.  Don’t send those silly, hokey letters (including a letter accompanied by a victim’s thumb) to the aforementioned. It worked for Jack the Ripper because there was no fingerprinting or other sophisticated tracking methods in the 1800s.  You live in the 21st century.  Remember that.
  14. Thou shall never be famous.  Although you might be a Ted Bundy-wannabe, consider the only way he became notorious was through being caught.  That is notoriously stupid. However as an alternative to worldwide fame, feel free to wallow in being a legend in your own mind.
  15. Thou shall never be paid for all your hard work.  The reward is in the killing, dismembering and disposal of the body. If you want recognition and payment, work for the mafia. Or the CIA. Or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Whatever.
  16. Thou shall work a double shift.  Since you will be holding down a regular job, you must consider your serial killing as a second job. It is too much work to consider it a hobby, although initially the thrill of it all will make it seem that way.  Eventually, you will be frequently exhausted and occasionally cranky from working overtime, but that’s the downside to being a SK. We all have that cross to bear.
  17. Thou shall not prey on children or anyone under the age of majority.  Unless you want to be an Alcala type of loser, that is. In Ontario, the age of majority is 18.  Preferably aim higher.  The younger your victims, the more pathetic youalyssa-bustamante-2-fb are. It just means you aren’t strong enough to attack an adult. That’s cheating. Pick on someone your own size (or larger). Nothing wrong with a BBW. Those women are really coming into their own.
  18. Thou shall have a choice of strangers, family, or friends as victims.  Depending on how you feel about the last two, offing these individuals might be more practical and may make your private life much more pleasant. Besides, muder can be done easier. They trust you. You won’t have to lure family or friends to a secluded, creepy place and get yourself hopelessly lost after the fact. Boy, is that embarrassing.
  19. Thou shall experiment with different modes of killing How do you know what you excel at if you don’t try different ways of murdering people? Don’t be narrow-minded. That is a definite faux pas in a serial killer.
  20. Thou shall not pigeon-hole yourself.  Kill all types of people.  Don’t be gender or race-oriented.  Don’t be an elitist snob.  Kill white collars and the unemployed.  Knock off the rich and the poor.  Aim for the famous and the mediocre. Remember, variety is the spice of life and in this case, death. Take a page from Michael Bryant’s book, the former (yet still good-looking) Attorney General of Ontario who killed a man with his car and never even went to court. He made it look like an accident. You can too.

To be fair we should confess (something we rarely do) that we were involuntarily retired. Our retirement home is surrounded by an electric fence and we spend 23 hours a day inside a 12 X 15 cell. Do as we say, not as we did.  You’re surprised that we’re hypocrites?  We only wish we’d met you before we were put away for life. Mazal tov!

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